day 5

My great friend Catherine asked me yesterday what it was that made me decide to change my life. After all I have been talking to her about doing it ever since we met when our youngest boys where in slings. This is the reason, this needs to be my mantra, the thing that wakes me up in the morning and i go to bed at night thinking of. I was doing one of those 20 minute morning yoga routines and at the end there is a 3 minute seated meditation. I always have wanted to be the kind of person who can sit still for that long, empty my head and just be but so far in my life that has not been so. On a side note hopefully that is changing. Anyways after that wonderful yoga routine the guy on the tape said, let your breathing be the focal point of your meditation. SO I concentrated on that and really listened to my heart and lungs and it was frightening! My breathing sounded like death. My children flashed into my thoughts then and I realized that if I did not get this under control and take my life back that they might grow up with out me. You would think I would have already thought of that, and I had but never in such a focused way. That was the last day I smoked and I hope and pray I will never ever smoke again,