4 1/2 weeks not sure list count

My god it feels good to feel my body again. To sweat it. To hurt it. I could weep for all the days my body, mind and soul have been apart I think a lot of the reason people are fat is not about food it is more about a disconnect. If they never got connected in childhood or abused themselves as young adults. I don't know I can't pinpoint it for myself. I suppose it matters. I supposed it would be good to shrink me and find that place in time where I became disconnected. I am not sure my soul needs that. Maybe down the road. Perhaps it would make me a better mother to know. I don't know.

All I know is in this moment a weight is lifting from me. Physically, mentally. Watch out folks I might just turn into one of those annoying Nike ads

Day 18

I am always surprised by the strength and the character of the women around me. Kyrie say's something about water rising at it's own level or something totally profound like that. She always say's it after I compliment her or one of her friends as if to say we are such great friends with each other because we are both great. It hit me tonight I am just as strong, amazing and full of character as all of the women I surround myself with. I am glad to be in such company. I am glad that I AM strong and that every day the good choices that I am making for myself are making me stronger. I am so so glad to be setting the example I am for my boys. their little faces are so happy when they ask me how many days it has been since I smoked. They are proud of their mother, something I have never seen before and might not ever again, who knows,. But for now I have two adoring fans and I am relishing in it. Can't wait for the gym tomorrow and all of the awesome active things that I will now be able to do with my 2 adoring boys, here is to life and all that I can do and be in it.....

day 9

Something just clicks in your soul I think when you make a decision to change your life. There is not one person who could have made me quit smoking 10 days ago. Not the disapproving looks from my husband or the pleas from my children. As ashamed as I am to write that last sentence it is true. I know I am done this time because I am being totally honest about how I feel. When I am having a moment when my blood feels like it is boiling and all I want is a cigarette, I tell the people around me just that. I apologize for not being able to handle the current situation and excuse myself. Before I always made excuses and if Shawn was to say the reason he thought I was cranky at that moment was because I had not had a cigarette I would flip out. But he was right every time. I was a slave to it.

Only being 9 days into this life transformation it is hard to say with certainty that I will never smoke again, but dammit I really really hope I don't and that is why I am writing this blog so that there is a place for me to be totally accountable. That is why I joined weight watchers, because I know that I cannot battle this weight alone anymore and I don't want to.

I do really enjoy going to the gym. 2 hours alone to sweat and listen to my music and feel my body. The body that made my amazing two boys cannot be a disgusting thing. Sure right now and for the past 8 years it has been severely out of shape but just as I have earned every wrinkle on my face, I have earned every scar, and every stretch mark on this journey. It has not always been easy as reflected in my vessel but it has been mine