4 1/2 weeks not sure list count

My god it feels good to feel my body again. To sweat it. To hurt it. I could weep for all the days my body, mind and soul have been apart I think a lot of the reason people are fat is not about food it is more about a disconnect. If they never got connected in childhood or abused themselves as young adults. I don't know I can't pinpoint it for myself. I suppose it matters. I supposed it would be good to shrink me and find that place in time where I became disconnected. I am not sure my soul needs that. Maybe down the road. Perhaps it would make me a better mother to know. I don't know.

All I know is in this moment a weight is lifting from me. Physically, mentally. Watch out folks I might just turn into one of those annoying Nike ads

day 9

Something just clicks in your soul I think when you make a decision to change your life. There is not one person who could have made me quit smoking 10 days ago. Not the disapproving looks from my husband or the pleas from my children. As ashamed as I am to write that last sentence it is true. I know I am done this time because I am being totally honest about how I feel. When I am having a moment when my blood feels like it is boiling and all I want is a cigarette, I tell the people around me just that. I apologize for not being able to handle the current situation and excuse myself. Before I always made excuses and if Shawn was to say the reason he thought I was cranky at that moment was because I had not had a cigarette I would flip out. But he was right every time. I was a slave to it.

Only being 9 days into this life transformation it is hard to say with certainty that I will never smoke again, but dammit I really really hope I don't and that is why I am writing this blog so that there is a place for me to be totally accountable. That is why I joined weight watchers, because I know that I cannot battle this weight alone anymore and I don't want to.

I do really enjoy going to the gym. 2 hours alone to sweat and listen to my music and feel my body. The body that made my amazing two boys cannot be a disgusting thing. Sure right now and for the past 8 years it has been severely out of shape but just as I have earned every wrinkle on my face, I have earned every scar, and every stretch mark on this journey. It has not always been easy as reflected in my vessel but it has been mine

Day 4

Day Four is going great so far. Mind you I have only been up for about 3 hours. My body hurts from the great workout yesterday and I am not feeling the need for a smoke. My friends on Facebook have been sending me encouraging messages and responding to my posts with tons of "ata girls" I will say though what the hell is up with my scale at the gym compared to the one at weight watchers? For example, last Friday I got on the Gym scale and it said 216. Then yesterday (wends) it said 210, I am not sure I can really count that I have lost 6 lbs in 6 days. I want to take it and say I have but I am just not sure I can trust it when on Tuesday night at my first Weight watchers meeting a different scale said 218.8!! What's a girl to do?

Went over on my points on the first day, I went over by 7 points because I went out with Shawn. It is our normal date night, so I really did not want to skip it. you have all these flex points and you can earn activity points, which I am not totally sure how that all works, So I guess I did not really go over since I could just borrow from flex points and I earned 6 activity points from my awesome workout. Hopefully this point system will not be so confusing as time goes on. Lots of my friends have lost tons of weight on weight watchers so I am really hopeful in its ability to help me. I am concerned that I will have to figure out the points for a lot of my own recipes though, because it is not like I cook from a recipe very often. I guess I will just have to relearn it. A lot of that going on this week and for the foreseeable future.

Time to do some yoga and be supremely good to myself. I swear this selfish, self indulgence is something I can get used to

Big changes

I decided I needed to blog my journey to health instead of bombard all my facebook friends with it all day long. I have not smoked a single cigarette for 3 days!!! I joined Weight watchers last night and went to my first meeting. My first weigh in was a whooping 218.8 lbs !!! Which was really really disheartening. But you know, now I know and can make positive changes in my life. I swear I have gone to bed the last 4 nights in a row at 8 pm just so I don't think about eating or smoking. But besides those sleepy hours I feel like my whole life will be consumed by food, and working out for the the next 90 lbs. That's right 90 lbs!! but for know I am focusing on my 5% goal of 11lbs then 22lbs then so on and so forth. Little by little I will get there. Wont you join me?