day 9

Something just clicks in your soul I think when you make a decision to change your life. There is not one person who could have made me quit smoking 10 days ago. Not the disapproving looks from my husband or the pleas from my children. As ashamed as I am to write that last sentence it is true. I know I am done this time because I am being totally honest about how I feel. When I am having a moment when my blood feels like it is boiling and all I want is a cigarette, I tell the people around me just that. I apologize for not being able to handle the current situation and excuse myself. Before I always made excuses and if Shawn was to say the reason he thought I was cranky at that moment was because I had not had a cigarette I would flip out. But he was right every time. I was a slave to it.

Only being 9 days into this life transformation it is hard to say with certainty that I will never smoke again, but dammit I really really hope I don't and that is why I am writing this blog so that there is a place for me to be totally accountable. That is why I joined weight watchers, because I know that I cannot battle this weight alone anymore and I don't want to.

I do really enjoy going to the gym. 2 hours alone to sweat and listen to my music and feel my body. The body that made my amazing two boys cannot be a disgusting thing. Sure right now and for the past 8 years it has been severely out of shape but just as I have earned every wrinkle on my face, I have earned every scar, and every stretch mark on this journey. It has not always been easy as reflected in my vessel but it has been mine