Alone

Im alone and so is every other person on this planet. I have grown people, married one,tried to love many, tried to reach out to many,yet still I am alone, back to dust I will go , I hope my soul continues, at one time I knew. That interconnection is lost. I lost it for myself. Energy can neither be created of destroyed right? Why do I feel so distroyed now ? I miss my mother I miss my husband I miss my friends. Tonight was fun but sad . I got drunk, said something stupid and he could not forgive nr for if. Did not want to fight for it. I emwould fight for him Always,

I have fallen off. I am smoking and not working out. I wake up angry and I am short with all who love me. I have disappointed all who love me. Myself included. I have read over my blog to see if I could find that trigger again. All I can say is it must have been desperation. Have I sunk so low that I am ready to pull myself up again? Why do I keep repeating these horrible patterns in my life? Why can't I allow myself to be free?

4 1/2 weeks not sure list count

My god it feels good to feel my body again. To sweat it. To hurt it. I could weep for all the days my body, mind and soul have been apart I think a lot of the reason people are fat is not about food it is more about a disconnect. If they never got connected in childhood or abused themselves as young adults. I don't know I can't pinpoint it for myself. I suppose it matters. I supposed it would be good to shrink me and find that place in time where I became disconnected. I am not sure my soul needs that. Maybe down the road. Perhaps it would make me a better mother to know. I don't know.

All I know is in this moment a weight is lifting from me. Physically, mentally. Watch out folks I might just turn into one of those annoying Nike ads

Day 18

I am always surprised by the strength and the character of the women around me. Kyrie say's something about water rising at it's own level or something totally profound like that. She always say's it after I compliment her or one of her friends as if to say we are such great friends with each other because we are both great. It hit me tonight I am just as strong, amazing and full of character as all of the women I surround myself with. I am glad to be in such company. I am glad that I AM strong and that every day the good choices that I am making for myself are making me stronger. I am so so glad to be setting the example I am for my boys. their little faces are so happy when they ask me how many days it has been since I smoked. They are proud of their mother, something I have never seen before and might not ever again, who knows,. But for now I have two adoring fans and I am relishing in it. Can't wait for the gym tomorrow and all of the awesome active things that I will now be able to do with my 2 adoring boys, here is to life and all that I can do and be in it.....

day 9

Something just clicks in your soul I think when you make a decision to change your life. There is not one person who could have made me quit smoking 10 days ago. Not the disapproving looks from my husband or the pleas from my children. As ashamed as I am to write that last sentence it is true. I know I am done this time because I am being totally honest about how I feel. When I am having a moment when my blood feels like it is boiling and all I want is a cigarette, I tell the people around me just that. I apologize for not being able to handle the current situation and excuse myself. Before I always made excuses and if Shawn was to say the reason he thought I was cranky at that moment was because I had not had a cigarette I would flip out. But he was right every time. I was a slave to it.

Only being 9 days into this life transformation it is hard to say with certainty that I will never smoke again, but dammit I really really hope I don't and that is why I am writing this blog so that there is a place for me to be totally accountable. That is why I joined weight watchers, because I know that I cannot battle this weight alone anymore and I don't want to.

I do really enjoy going to the gym. 2 hours alone to sweat and listen to my music and feel my body. The body that made my amazing two boys cannot be a disgusting thing. Sure right now and for the past 8 years it has been severely out of shape but just as I have earned every wrinkle on my face, I have earned every scar, and every stretch mark on this journey. It has not always been easy as reflected in my vessel but it has been mine

day 5

My great friend Catherine asked me yesterday what it was that made me decide to change my life. After all I have been talking to her about doing it ever since we met when our youngest boys where in slings. This is the reason, this needs to be my mantra, the thing that wakes me up in the morning and i go to bed at night thinking of. I was doing one of those 20 minute morning yoga routines and at the end there is a 3 minute seated meditation. I always have wanted to be the kind of person who can sit still for that long, empty my head and just be but so far in my life that has not been so. On a side note hopefully that is changing. Anyways after that wonderful yoga routine the guy on the tape said, let your breathing be the focal point of your meditation. SO I concentrated on that and really listened to my heart and lungs and it was frightening! My breathing sounded like death. My children flashed into my thoughts then and I realized that if I did not get this under control and take my life back that they might grow up with out me. You would think I would have already thought of that, and I had but never in such a focused way. That was the last day I smoked and I hope and pray I will never ever smoke again,

Day 4

Day Four is going great so far. Mind you I have only been up for about 3 hours. My body hurts from the great workout yesterday and I am not feeling the need for a smoke. My friends on Facebook have been sending me encouraging messages and responding to my posts with tons of "ata girls" I will say though what the hell is up with my scale at the gym compared to the one at weight watchers? For example, last Friday I got on the Gym scale and it said 216. Then yesterday (wends) it said 210, I am not sure I can really count that I have lost 6 lbs in 6 days. I want to take it and say I have but I am just not sure I can trust it when on Tuesday night at my first Weight watchers meeting a different scale said 218.8!! What's a girl to do?

Went over on my points on the first day, I went over by 7 points because I went out with Shawn. It is our normal date night, so I really did not want to skip it. you have all these flex points and you can earn activity points, which I am not totally sure how that all works, So I guess I did not really go over since I could just borrow from flex points and I earned 6 activity points from my awesome workout. Hopefully this point system will not be so confusing as time goes on. Lots of my friends have lost tons of weight on weight watchers so I am really hopeful in its ability to help me. I am concerned that I will have to figure out the points for a lot of my own recipes though, because it is not like I cook from a recipe very often. I guess I will just have to relearn it. A lot of that going on this week and for the foreseeable future.

Time to do some yoga and be supremely good to myself. I swear this selfish, self indulgence is something I can get used to